Life with a Teenager….bathroom,chores, etc…etc…etc…

Would you like to know how to get the entire world to give you one big collective sigh? Utter four simple words…..

“I have a teenager…..”

Would you like to know how to change the sigh to one big collective groan? Utter the following…..

“My daughter is now a teenager ……”

I have one of those now…..

We must not forget the son who is going thru puberty……can we say body odor and mood swings….? I’ll get to that later….

Observations that I have made concerning teenagers in general…..

* Upon reaching the age of 13, they go deaf. There is proof in this.  When you call their name, they will always reply with “Uh” in question form.  That is when they are standing right next to you. They may also continue to yell “What?” from the bedroom or any other room they are occupying.  We only call once and do not respond to “what.”  The expected response should be “coming” not “what.” Usually a simple reminder of the proper response is enough….until the next day or week.  Depends on the child.

* This  also includes their other senses so be forewarned. They will  also go blind. This is evident in requesting a particular item from the pantry that you just put in there.  You could draw a map, take a picture or walk them to the pantry and have them witness you putting said item on that particular shelf….and they cannot find it.

* Before assigning any task…..the first words out of your mouth should be …”Go to the bathroom.”  Do not allow them to argue with you on this point. Even if  you just saw them leave the bathroom…..make them go again. The need to go to the bathroom will arise again, either at the onset of any task they have been given or in the middle of the assigned task. If this should happen in the middle of the task, do not expect to see the teenager for at least another hour.  Especially if they stop in the middle of the assigned task to fix a drink. Upon questioning them regarding leaving the designated area with drink in hand…they will reply that they are going to the bathroom. You may want to consider setting up a “TV” stand to go along with the magazine/book rack that is generally standard in most bathrooms.  It gives them something to lean upon when reading and drinking in comfort.  A pair of crutches may also be an added item for when they can no longer feel their legs……..

***A side note here…..I have been known to take the phone into the bathroom….I do believe there are many women who do…..But we also know how to talk and go potty at the same time.  Food and Drink, however do not accompany me to the bathroom. We do not have a magazine /book rack in our bathroom.***

* Please pay special attention to this point. Their arms and legs will no longer function as per the instruction manual provided by the academy of sciences along with the prestigious medical journals. It is already proven that they are now blind and deaf….now they are incapable of using said limbs for anything other then pedaling a bicycle, skate board, walking down the street with other teen age friends or jumping up on the tailgate of their father’s truck. Do not be surprised if they do not notice that they just dumped the entire loaf of bread on the floor because they put it back with out closing the bag.  It will be a shock to them to realize that the bread is on the floor.  It is at this point that you can recognize the blindness….they didn’t see the bread on the kitchen floor.  It is also at this critical moment the parent realizes their teenage has now entered the phase of teen limb cryo-stasis (not sure if that is right…but it sounded good). All bodily functions have ceased…there is no blood circulating in the limbs thus making them difficult to lift the arms or move the legs.  It is not life threatening nor do these brief periods last long.

* Do not be alarmed when they have no clothing to wear….They are probably telling the truth.  This is a direct result of the extinction of the household laundry basket/tub.  Once upon a time they could be found in each room, placed there for the convenience of each  person who lays claim to that particular room. The standard laundry basket has now been relegated to the status of sword keeper. It is imperative that every maiden and knight, playing in the backyard, must have something in which the swords may be kept in…or the cloaks may be placed in…..Far be it, that the castle in the back yard ,be cluttered with swords that the younger siblings have been able to talk the teenager into playing with. There is also the separate basket that allows the roller blades and ropes that double as jump ropes, impromptu swings and climbing ropes for trees may be stored. This is a good sign though.  It means the teenager has not yet reached critical mass where it is wrong to be seen playing with the younger siblings.  There is hope……..

* Teenagers are the inventors of their own laundry keeping system.  This system may or may not include the floor of the closet, underneath the bed or in our case, behind and beside the couch that has been placed in the room under the teens loft bed. They are also equal opportunist.  They do not discriminate over dirty and clean laundry.  It will ALL go on the closet floor or under the bed or behind the couch. There may also be a dearth of hangers…..hence the desk chair,top of the desk and top of the dresser may become storage places for clean clothing if it is decided that the other places are full.

* Special note in regard to teenage boys.  They may no longer remember that it is not a good idea to launch solid missiles in the possible form of  rocks over the heads of two grown men who are attempting to put up a chain link fence at midnight.  They may “forget” that the batting of rocks with a 2×4 over their father and uncle’s head is not healthy for them…..They may also not realize that paying for a broken bay window or sliding glass door is more than their yearly allowance.  If you think this may be a problem for your particular son…make sure he can at least get the rock over the head of his 6′5″ adopted uncle……Have him practice on clearing heights…..It could be healthy for him also if he is a good short distance runner.

I will be adding to this list as time progresses…….I am on my first teenager. Including the other two…my calculations show that I only have 23 more years to go….That figure does not,however, take into account that at some point they will all be going thru this at the same time…….I do believe the tectonic plates will be shifting by that point.

*****Addendum

Please don’t misunderstand me ….I love my children dearly and they are not as bad as the above examples. This list is actually a culmination of things I have observed thru out my life time and my extensive experience as a nanny in my younger days and being the oldest of 7 siblings and numerous cousins that I was farmed out to babysit.  My children are showing some mild symptoms of the above, but nothing so severe as  what I have observed in other children who are knocking or have knocked at the door of their teenage years.

I only poke fun at this because…..well our daughter is….how shall I put this……a closet blonde? My husbands words not mine……He thinks the world might be a little safer if we make her a blonde until she is at least 20……She has her moments…..but she is really quite intelligent and a very loving young lady with a fantastic imagination…….I couldn’t be more proud of her…..especially now that she knows not to drip ice cubes on her lava lamp light bulb to check out the scientific principals of heat/cooling and how it affects expansion of glass….at least not without adult supervision….also a prerequisite of her Father.

My Visit to the Doctor…Part III

I went to the doctor’s on Thursday……This was after Randy came home with the kids. They had a wonderful day by the way. They always look forward to going to work with their Dad The company Randy works for does a very nice job of handling the kids. Go to the link below and click on “Downtown” under “Stories of the Day”…..each group was broken up into teams. My children were on the Yellow Team.

BNA/KIDS

Now… back to the doctor. It was like old home week in the OBGYN office. You must realize that other than when I was pregnant with the children, I only go there once a year for my annual visit. The nurses had to see an updated picture of the kids and gush over how much they’ve grown…..One kept exclaiming ….”my baby is 9 now?” The head advice nurse in the office, who became a dear friend, came out of her cubicle to visit. She helped me so much when Randy and I first got married. She was there listening to me rant and cry thru the stress of dealing with his mom… we were living with his parents our first year of our marriage, I needed someone to confide in.

They were still laughing over the original appointment being made for my 11 year old son…..Yes,I thought it was rather funny myself.

I am escorted back, and of course you have to stop and do the obligatory “get on the scales” part, which is the point where I ask my husband to turn his back and he just sighs….Then off to the exam room and told to disrobe from the waist down…..I…… hesitated. The nurse asked me if I was uncomfortable with undressing having a cycle issue. Well….duh….Who wouldn’t be uncomfortable. So she puts one of those waterproof hospital pads on the table then hands me a box with a replacement pad…..I have another opinion on that little boxed pad but I will save that for later….She did say she would go and ask the doctor if it was necessary……and the answer was Yes!

I sent my husband out of the room while I pulled my slip and unmentionables off then let him know it was okay to come back into the room.

There is some humor in this situation……namely my husband’s demeanor thru this whole thing. You see….he has never been with me thru one of these female exams. Never….ever,ever!!! This was the first….he was present when I would go for my prenatal checks…stay in the room long enough to hear the baby’s heartbeat, then leave for the rest of the exam. I asked him if he was uncomfortable being present thru the exam……. He said other than hiding behind the monitor and trying to become a part of the wall…..NAH…he wasn’t uncomfortable at all……:)

What he thought was humorous was the following…..first, I don’t get undressed in front of him…..I hide when putting my pajamas on…..I am a little self conscious about my own body…I am rather “Rubenesque”….That is a polite way of saying obese…..at least according to the medical profession,but yes, I am overweight. I know it is silly…but I know how to undress, put my pajamas on, all while keeping my first set of clothes on…..trust me it is an art form…That always makes my husband laugh at me…He thinks it is funny….I will usually just go to the bathroom and get undressed.

I told him it wasn’t the removing of the underpants and slip (I was smart and wore a dress just in case). It was the removal of the pad I had on…..He then reminds me of how bad my first two deliveries were….This dear man ,without a word of complaint, would get those really nice long ice pack pads that you snap in half and then shake,(I was given those in the hospital.)line the ice pack with the witch hazel pads, spray me down with the antibiotic spray, ( You know, the nice cool stuff.) and help me put this pad on…(I had conveniently forgotten that..) He said it always reminded him of laying pepperoni out on a pizza….Excuse Me??!! Okay, that is a bad mental image…..but only a man could think of placing 3 witch hazel pads on an ice pack as pepperoni…….

The Doctor came in, and according to him ,did a great job of ignoring him. She mainly spoke to me and directed all of her comments to me…..Yes, she really did a wonderful job of ignoring him……

She walked in and said “Surely I didn’t think I would be able to come in with a complaint of abnormal bleeding and not be examined!?”…..Well…One could only hope in this case! She reviews my medical history and asked about the ovarian cysts that I had no idea I had….Apparently, they were discovered last year during a pelvic sonogram…..Nope…I had no clue!!! My blood work,however, was fantastic!! Her words not mine……so onto the exam.

You know the drill…..scoot your bottom down and feet go in the stirrups….I thought I was completely draped but according to my husband ….he could see everything and he was still trying to become a part of the furniture. He also thought it was very ironic that I am willing to allow him to see me thus, but won’t allow him to see me put my pj’s on…….So I am a little quirky, but I really didn’t think I was that exposed.

Out comes the speculum ….and the light on the long tube. Then I am told that she is going to have to do a couple of biopsies…..WHAT??!!!No on informed me about that…..I wasn’t too thrilled with it either….that HURT!!! According to my husband,it was pretty cool to watch. He said the length of the tube that was used to do the biopsy, was really impressive…..To a man,it is just another tool….To a women, it is another device used for torture, while we endure this mortifying and humiliating exam. She then gives me a few more instructions and leaves the room.

At this point, I asked my hubby to leave… again. I opened up the “sample box” with the pad. That wasn’t a pad!! That was an over sized band-aid…..HELLO…big women here. They really need to rethink what they offer…..Of course had I been thinking, I would have brought my own…..here I am trying to figure out how I am going to use this thing…..anyway….I muddled thru and finished dressing then walked out to join my husband.

We chatted with the staff for a few minutes and then left…..I am so glad He came with me….I wasn’t prepared for the biopsies and just about came off the table during that procedure…..Poor man…He was so understanding….He let me take a nap when we got home….Nothing like seeing your wife really tortured to give him a little appreciation for what we endure.

I never once thought of how uncomfortable he would be during that exam. Seeing it from his point of view, when I am reluctant to undress in front of him….yeah…I guess it was a little funny.

I just have to wait for the results of the biopsies and schedule my pelvic sono……

The Doc still believes it is stress…but wants to rule out everything else……

Oh, by the way……I will never drag my husband to another exam like that again….I did offer to accompany him to one of his “prostate” exams and he emphatically said NO!!!

He thinks I am funny about not getting undressed in front of him…but we are talking about the man who considers the “Maximum Occupancy ” of the bathroom to be 1…1 person at a time…..I have, on occasion ,teased him and stood at the door opening and closing the door while he stands in the bathroom. I know, I’m not being very nice messing with his obsession on the bathroom….No…this guy is a “one person only in the bathroom” kind a guy….no standing in there having conversations or sitting on the side of the tub visiting……Hey…I have friends that actually do that……

Have you ever wondered why women take it as a common place occurrence and men thinks it’s just downright weird? I have….Women in general are used to going to the bathroom in groups…I think it starts from childhood. You know,when our mother’s take us to the bathroom….Then we have children and we do the same thing. Mom’s always take the kids to the bathroom. When they are toddlers…we can always expect company in the bathroom. I would have kids standing out side the bathroom door crying to get in when I was just in the shower. As mother’s, I think we become immune to the whole bathroom privacy thing….Until the kids gets older, than it is another matter all together…. But any sense of modesty was lost at the first OBGYN exam and every other, proceeding….Oh…and lets not even talk about the labor and delivery….Modesty flies out the window when you are about to give birth and have 7 people staring at the head of the baby as it is crowning. I am sorry, but they are all looking between your legs…..You may not have had 7 people, but I did….I became a high risk delivery when the umbilical cord collapsed.

After the birth, having 3 nurses in there handling your breast, trying to show you how to get your newborn babe to latch on, well…..okay, not much privacy there. Other than the self breast checks and the doctor trying to look away as they are examining the breast …I can’t say I’ve ever been tag teamed ……how can one expect to retain their modesty thru any of that…?!

Then there was baby number 2, whose head was so big, he got stuck ! According to the Pediatric Doctor… he drowned in utero…..Out came the little beenie that fits on the head with the hand pump attachment….pumped up to 40psi (I think…I was a little preoccupied at the time) and out he popped!!! He was such a healthy eater that the nurse asked me to show some other new moms how to nurse…..Weeeellll….You know you can only lead by example….so out come the breast and the different ways of holding a baby to nurse were demonstrated……

Then baby number 3….We had a placental abrupt-ion. (That might have had something to do with trying to teach a group of girls how to “Double Dutch” at 7 1/2 months pregnant. I felt invincible, definitely not one of my brighter moments!!) He didn’t want to come out….Here I am, hospital gown on….hooked up to oxygen and the baby is still up to high…..so what am I told to do? Hmmmm….I am told to get up on my hands and knees in the bed…..The doctor lays under me, trying to push the baby down…..Now that wouldn’t have been so bad, had the hospital gown stayed up and not fallen off my arms when I got into said position. At this point, I am mortified! Who cares that the babies heart rate is nonexistent!! I am buck naked!!! The mental image I had was my white bum sticking up in the air and my boobs swaying in the wind, beating the doctor in the head while he is trying to push the baby down. I pictured a cow walking thru a pasture with those huge udders swaying back and forth…Need I say more!?….What do I do? I try to lay down and cover myself on the bed thereby crushing the doctor’s head between the bed and my ample bosoms……Modesty? Surely you jest……

Now explain please…….That many people have seen me in my “all together, naked as can be” 3 times! Yet I still, after nearly 14 years of marriage, am still nervous about putting on my pj’s in front of my husband!?

Well go figure…. If you have the answer, share the wisdom…….because I haven’t figured it out…..

Someone out there has a sense of humor…Part II

I did it. I called the doctor and got an appointment for Thursday…..We have Kaiser. When calling Kaiser you have to call the appointment line in order to schedule said appointment.

Not a problem…..unless they can’t help you. They have criteria they must follow when receiving certain calls. The procedure is that you are transferred to the Advice Nurse who will then do a sudo triage over the phone. This determines whether or not you come in right now or you can wait and if any lab work needs to be done prior to the appointment. Certain appointments are kept locked up and only the advice nurse can free up that time slot. I’m sure that is basic with most HMO’s.

I get transferred to the advice nurse………….as you know, my recent problem is dealing with a delicate feminine issue. I have had my monthly cycle going on 4 weeks. It pains me to see that in black and white.

When the voice came across the line, I was a little speechless and replied …”Oh, that figures!!” …I was really hoping I hadn’t said that out loud…but the next comment made me realize that,”Yes…I did say that out loud . It wasn’t in my head”…..I am groaning at this point. Then I heard this deep, almost “Barry White” sounding masculine voice say, “Excuse Me??”

Of all the days to get a male advice nurse ,figures it would be today. I would have overlooked the fact that I was speaking to the “Male Advice Nurse” any other time but “Oh Please God, not today…not with this.” If you were ever in doubt…..God does have a sense of humor.

The questions were not easy to answer…I’m sure he was as uncomfortable asking them as I was answering them…..He tried to speak with as little emotion in his voice as possible. while I was trying to be as discreet as possible with out being gross.

The questions ranged from a description of the flow, length of time, was I using a panty liner or a regular pad. I don’t think I really need to go into details regarding the questions. Use your imagination, there were several that left me stumbling over my words.

Anyone who has spoken to me over the phone knows that doesn’t happen often if at all!! I am groaning in my head with each response. We made it thru the triage questions and he scheduled the blood work to be done and the appointment. This all took place at 10:00 this morning.

There was some confusion over the appointment. Kaiser called back this afternoon, around 4:00. The nurse,(female this time) sheepishly asks me if she can ask an unusual question. She goes on to clarify that they are not used to scheduling appointments for males and was there some reason that Charles P*****, age 11 needed an OBGYN apppointment. I started laughing.

I new what had happened. While I was trying to get my appointment, I was having to reschedule Charlie’s allergy appointment. Some how he ended up with both appointments.

The nurse said, that appointment had the whole floor rolling….I said that I could see why, considering he lacked the proper plumbing required for an OBGYN visit, to which she replied, they didn’t have the proper instruments either….something about the speculum?

I just didn’t know what to say to any of this today……I guess I could have requested a female nurse….but I figured “Barry” chose this profession, “Barry” could deal with it.

Stress….the Ugly Side of Life…Part I

Some are aware of the stress our family has been undergoing….others are not…..I have a bipolar mother-in-law……need I say more.

Stress can do strange things to a person…..loss of sleep,appetite,make one edgy, cranky and hair loss….I am loosing my hair, strand by strand. So I joined the Long Hair Community to hopefully stem that problem. They are an informative bunch of people who are very serious about their hair. Worth checking out…..If you are interested and there are men on that board who happen to like long hair also…..just so you know.

Stress can apparently extend a women’s cycle…..at least that is what my husband is thinking. I was leaning more towards the perimenopause issue but he says not…for some reason he thinks to know this (go figure, only a man would be brave or foolish enough to make such a statement)…It would fit with the hair loss but I am not experiencing any other symptom. Which doesn’t mean that isn’t my current problem though.

I am going into my fourth….not hour, not day but week…..my fourth week of cycle!!!I am not happy about this…..no I am not!!! Nor is my husband…wink, wink…:).

My daughter heard me discussing this and her face blanched…..she just looked at me with her eyes wide. Her only comment was in question form….”Four Weeks??!!”…..and it was rather squeaky at that…..:)

I have never had any discomfort….none of the normal pains that most women experience with this “blessing” that was bestowed upon us due to Adam and Eve’s sin…..It has only been in that last few years (read 2-3) that I have had any discomfort, but even that was only my right leg. My right knee would start to bug me……maybe a little lower back discomfort. I was given some very ugly looks at Lamaze Class when pregnant with Daughter over this issue. When the coach tells you labor is extremely hard menstrual cramps that won’t let up and I am looking at you like dear caught in the headlights…..hmm….I wasn’t looked upon with favor that day………

I don’t know what happened today…..actually it started yesterday, but I had a problem with my right hip. Today I hurt from the hips down….It was so painful when I tried to get up and walk I could barely move. My daughter told the boys to leave me alone….”Mommy isn’t feeling well. She has been on her monthly cycle for 4 weeks !!”

I’m sure you can imagine the looks I received from my two sons who are 9 and 11…….one was slightly confused….the other one figured it out after a minute or two….His comment was based on the amount of bathroom trash that he noticed over the past 3 weeks. All he could say was …”Oh that’s why the trash can is being emptied everyday….Okay.”

He and I inadvertently had this conversation on the way to Wally World one evening, just the two of us. He needed to talk…..mostly that conversation was concerned with when “he would get hair on his chest” but soon digressed to what are those little pouches in the bathroom……I very maturely explained using the terms from the “Grey’s Anatomy ” book and physical process we gals must go thru each month in order to eliminate iron and dead cells…..very basic. His reply was “Thank you…that was probably more information than I needed to know…..and as long as he gets hair on his chest the other doesn’t really impact him”

Boy does he have another thing coming………:)

Anyway….My husband and I were sitting here discussing this issue….He very adamant that this is all stress…..He reminds me that it is probably going to get worse before it gets better if it ever does. It was his next comment though that ……well….wasn’t appreciated to say the least!!!

“So….how do you feel about having a monthly for the next four months!!??”

My reply to such a foolish comment uttered by my husband…….?

“Someone will have to die and it isn’t going to be me…..”

Lifes Little Upheaval’s

It has been a few days since I have been here and written anything. It all started last Wednesday. We got a call from my FIL. He was home and by himself….which means he up and left my MIL in Florida. Okay…….

My MIL suffers from Bi-Polar disorder……I think that pretty much says it all.

My FIL left on Saturday to go back to Florida to pick her up……this fills me with fear and trepidation…..especially in the current mood she is in.

My husband spent Friday night at my FIL’s house talking with him about his mother. His dad asked if his mother has been asking for the vehicles back…and He replied yes. My FIL asked my husband to please just ignore that and know that the vehicles were given with no strings attached and they were ours to do with as we pleased.

First they gave us their 1984 Bronco…this was to replace the 1982 Cadillac Cimmaron that my husband was driving that was on it’s last legs. It was just a vehicle to get him back and forth to the commuter lot where he slugs in to work each day. WE caught so much grief over that car….our mechanic would glue a new caddy emblem on the car every time we had it in the shop. It became quite the joke around here……When you figure that we only paid $350 for the car and probably put in $1000. of maintenance over the four years we had it…….Well, that wasn’t too bad. It needed a break job and Jim the Mechanic called and told mu husband the break job that the “Caddy” would need was going to cost way more than the car was worth.

So we donated it to the local fire dept for demo and rescue practice. They are so funny when getting a car…they even invite you out to watch the rescue training and the demoing of said car. I will need to find a picture of that car and post it. It was definitely a classic……

Then my 1995 Buik Le Sabre blew up….we knew the tranny was going but it was the engine that went first much to our surprise. We had the car for 8 years. We are a single income family living in Northern VA and there was no way I was going to go out and incur another debt when we were so close to being debt free. His father called us and wanted my husband to bring us up to this dealer to try out some vans before he bought one. My FIL bought us our new van…well it is 4 years old and we’ve had it for 3 years. That was so awesome and generous of them…We were profusely thankful….His dad wanted us to know that it was ours, no strings attached….we didn’t owe them anything…..you get the idea.

Last year my FIL was trading in his truck. He had a 1999 Ford F150. The problem with it…was the leg room for his grandkids. He needed a little bigger truck. So he found one….we were sitting at dinner and I asked if he was trading the old truck in on the new one….He very nonchalantly replied that no…he was going to see if his son would like the truck….My husband, after stuttering said well of course.

That is how we got our vehicles…..and we know that it is an amazing blessing and evidence in how God has watched over us and met our needs….not that we needed 3 vehicles….Now his mother is always bringing up the fact that they gave us the vehicles and she would like one of them back since she was left in Florida with no vehicle….any way…..back to the conversation between hubby and FIL.

My hubby proceeds to tell his dad that he needed to tell him about the bronco. His dad said that wasn’t necessary. But my hubby said yes it was…It could have an impact on his life.

When his mother saw a friend of ours driving the bronco…she was taking her EMT classes for recertification. This was a requirement for her to run with the local Fire and Rescue. He told his dad that if he ever has to call 911 on a Sunday or Monday night…..well, that rescue squad is staffed thanks to our loaning of said bronco, and odds were he would get our friend as the lead EMT on scene….they would end up with Wendi.

His mom doesn’t like Wendi…….sooooo…..I would so love to be a fly on the wall if that happens. She would refuse transport. His dad thought it was priceless....My hubby is still chuckling over this.

On another note……My sister Peaches has helped her hubby start a blog on his race car. If you are so inclined to do so…go check it out and give him a pat on the back and wish him good luck.

Jeff’s race car blog…..Arrow Dynamix

I will be finishing a few things here this week……I haven’t been able to focus on some of the things I started here….and should be be able to complete them this week……Thanks for hanging around and coming back to visit.