Ginger

Continuing with Anger…..

It is so ironic…or maybe there is no irony ….the number of people I have talked with in the last day or two that have been dealing with anger issues. I am stymied after reading that chapter… I blew up at my kids. I didn’t yell but I was angry and it wasn’t really even them so much as the situation…..BUT…a big BUT….I was able to recognize what I was feeling… intense rage inside of me and just prayed….God took it away and let me see it for what it really was…..My anger isn’t with the people who are bearing the brunt of it…..My anger is with myself…….I wasn’t angry with my kids….I did however accuse them of being selfish….I mean my son drank his drink and mine while I was in the store…He didn’t just take a drink…He drank the whole bloomin’ thing?

See what I mean….now isn’t that just the hight of stupidity to allow something so mundane to set me off……? I was calm…on the outside…I was seething on the inside….and it really wasn’t the issue of him drinking my drink….I said all of that to show that when we have unresolved anger issues…issues that we have constantly internalized…..It can cause this contained explosion…(which is what I call repressed anger)….internally seething while you are trying to hold it together externally.

I have been taking a long hard look at my anger…..okay…temper tantrum…everything I am angry over has to do with something that I didn’t resolve.(For those who know me…this has nothing to do with childhood issues…these are issues from adulthood.) I had deluded myself into thinking I was okay with all the issues that I was angry over….When we do not deal with our anger like we are supposed to in Ephesians 4:26….Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:…..We end up doing what verse 27 says not do….Neither give place to the devil..We must avoid the luxury of nursing our anger. How did I nurse my anger? By trying to tell myself it was okay, paying lip service and giving forgiveness where none was asked because the person I perceived in the wrong didn’t feel the need to apologize…so I apologized for a wrong I didn’t do…and a hurt that was caused externally to me, a hurt that I internalized….Oh but I was good….I had myself convinced that I was no longer angry over these matters….I am filled with folly (Proverbs 14:29) and worse than a fool (Proverbs 29:20).

Ladies….I know we can all say…”been there done that”….but how many times have you thought to yourself that You/I are always…and I do mean always the first to apologize in any given situation…then your hackles start to rise and you say no more…I’m not apologizing…I wasn’t even in the wrong!!!…guess what happens….It gets pushed 6 feet under and you are constantly trying to shovel dirt over it to keep it from being exposed.

When we bury our anger….all we do is slink away like a hurt dog, trying to lick our wounds and we end up hurting ourselves even more. Pretty soon what you end up with is the ground falling out from under you while you are sitting at the bottom of this huge sink hole trying to keep from being buried by more dirt and suffocating as each shovel is thrown into the hole. A hole that you/I created and can never begin to fill…….

Here is that little morsel….the epiphany…..There is a story that people will ask me about…you know one of those right around getting married stories…that will give you a time frame. I will tell the story,bring it out…make light of it..laugh it away….pretend I didn’t care….when all the time I was hurt,very hurt and very angry. I felt like nothing I thought or cared for mattered…and in my eyes…even today…I still feel that way…I also feel guilty for having those feelings…..

Each time I repeated the story…..I was driving the anger and hurt deeper into my heart and mind…Each time I repeated the story…..I was rehearsing my anger……The story does not have to be verbalized/vocalized, shouted from the roof top…..You don’t need someone to hand you a megaphone to broadcast the story to all and sundry …….It is like a tiny spark…..that just needs a little oxygen…..every time we bring it up in our mind and heart…..every time that spark is brought out and aired….it is like taking the bellows and fanning more oxygen onto that once tiny little spark…..what do you have?

A raging inferno……..take away the oxygen….stop airing it….and the flame dies.

I can just hear others saying to themselves….”Well DUH!!” But you don’t understand…EVERY TIME I TALK ABOUT or THINK ABOUT all those HURTS….I feel the pain from that hurt…like a fresh wound and the anger mounts and the fire gets bigger……I was talking to someone the other day….and they asked a question….I started to say something and just thinking about the thing made me angry all over again….I even said to myself to not even go there…I was just going to get angry again….!!!!Every time I thought about it or even told it in passing as a humorous or good deed story I would get angrier and angrier………I thought back to all of the times I had those feelings….How hurt and abandoned I felt…how alone I feel now…how all of those past incidents feed the flames of what happens to day.

I don’t know about you….but when I am angry….over something new of course….all the old anger comes flooding back in….as much dirt as I try to shovel on top…more dirt gets flung out of the hole…….

According to Ephesians 4:29….I am allowing my talk to degenerate into corrupt communication……What should it be….It should be edifying….but it “ain’t”…….When I let that anger control me…..I am sinning. We are supposed to “cease from anger and forsake wrath”…(Psalm 37:8)

I am to the point where I feel I am not making any sense, actually I was probably at that point when I started…..How is this supposed to end?

Well….I am going to look at controlling my anger, conquering my anger, then look at locking God’s truth into my heart….so I will have to finish this tomorrow….but I took a look at the next few chapters….Boy am I in BIGGGG trouble……God had me choose this book for a reason….lets just say I am in for a spiritual spanking followed by some forgiveness and a dose of grace.

Advertisements

March 2, 2007 - Posted by | Bible Study

2 Comments »

  1. You are very inspiring.

    I’m doing a study on moods myself. I picked up this book at Sam’s club last time and it is proving to be very enlightening as well. I’ll have to blog about it soon.

    Comment by Elaine | March 2, 2007 | Reply

  2. Hugs Ginger!

    You are right in saying that you are not the only one that deals with anger, and to me it is one of my greatest struggles. It sounds like you and I have the same way of dealing with our frustrations. You mentioned how each time talking about it makes you feel the emotion again, and I could really say that applies to me as well.

    My husband’s mother is terrible for holding onto her anger and it has turned her into someone that very few of her children and family members enjoy talking to because every single conversation becomes an opportunity for her to rehash the anger. She continually pays lip service to saying that she has let the anger go, but any one who listens to her for more than five minutes knows that this isn’t true.

    I have been doing a study in the Psalms and found that Psalm 37 spoke clearly to me about anger and “fretting.” For me I am really worried about becoming like my mother-in-law in this regards. I wonder if knowingly retelling a story that causes me anger is a bit like fretting on that subject.

    Anyways, you are not alone on this subject!

    Comment by songbirdy | March 4, 2007 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: