Ginger

I Cried……

I cried…..now to some that is not such a big ordeal, for me, it is enough to get marked on the calendar. Why? I trained myself to not cry. I had years of training and discipline. It was simply a matter of not allowing the person beating me to also have the satisfaction of knowing they made me cry. I did an excellent job of it if I might say so……I did such a good job that when I cry….everyone is alarmed.

It was something that was said to me today…..I may have read more into the comment or hesitation then was meant….I started to dwell on the conversation. I tried to remember each nuance, each pause and thought to myself that maybe the other person was just being kind.

I started to cry. It was in those few brief moments that I felt so alone. This is not the type of loneliness one feels just because there is no one present to talk with or in my case in the correct time zone that I felt comfortable calling and bawling on their shoulder through the phone. This was a soul deep aloneness. The type of aloneness that one feels in total abandonment.

When I was in Bible College, we had to give our testimony. I gave mine. I always try to give my testimony showing how awesome the power of God is and how He moves in our lives. There was a young lady there who came over to talk to me. Her name was Peggy. Peggy had tears in her eyes and gave me two verses. The third I read while reading in Psalm 27.

  • Psalm 27:10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. (KJV)

  • Psalm 68:5 A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation. (KJV)

  • Psalm 27:14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. (KJV)

I sat here remembering how lonely I was in college. I moved out of my foster home/legal guardian’s home and into the dormitory. I don’t think I have ever felt so lost and alone then I did that first year. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break in the dorm. I had no where to go. I was planning on spending the summer living in the dorm but an elderly lady in the church I was attending at the time invited me to stay at her house through the summer. Next year rolled around and I found myself facing “eviction” over the holidays. The previous year I was the only female staying in the women’s dorm. The dorm parents lived in an apartment that separated the mens and womens dormitory. They wouldn’t be there for the holidays so the school would not allow a young lady to stay by herself.

I still had a problem of having no where to go……I was working at the time at the local department store. One of my coworkers offered to rent me her attic for the times I needed a place to stay. I would just have to have somewhere to go the actual holiday. All of her children and grandchildren would be there and there wouldn’t be any room for me. She offered to let me stay….but it was with hesitation so I knew she was just being kind.

It suddenly struck me that maybe today’s offer had been made out of politeness. In my heart of hearts, the longing and need to have family is so strong that I didn’t want to see that the offer was maybe just one made of familiarity and an invite to come over knowing that you really would not show up.

So……..I cried. Then I cried some more. I cried to God. Those verses came back to me in a flash. I sat reading and glanced down to Psalm 27:14.

  • “Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart…”

I struggle with a family that sooooo hates me because I married their son. When I got married I thought that God was going to give me the family I had always longed to have. I am still required to call my husband’s family “Mr and Mrs”.

I struggled with my family….growing up with the abuse that was ignored and brushed under the carpet. The desire to just belong, to know the love of a parent can be so overwhelming. This has been a struggle for me lately along with a few other emotional issues being tossed to and fro in my heart and head.

Tonight as I sat crying….I remembered that I have a father who is the Father of the fatherless….” All though I may be forsaken He will take me up.” He is “up” in His holy habitation.

The internal battle raging isn’t that I have a lack of family whether it be biological, adopted or a former foster family. The battle that rages is the battle of acceptance. It is growing up with a father who did not exemplify the relationship we have with our heavenly Father. I know this struggle well. It causes doubt. Lots of it. We doubt that a heavenly Father can love us when no earthly parent can….We constantly grapple with the thought of forgiveness when forgiveness was a tool used for blackmail and parceling out the love that should have come freely. Forgiveness always has a catch to it. How can we accept or believe that when we do wrong or err in our Christian walk that we can be forgiven. We certainly weren’t as children. We have difficulty trusting those who say they love us to continue to love us. We know the minute we “mess up” the love will be gone. It is what we have been conditioned to know…..like my refusal to cry. (Which I hate doing by the way…..) I found this verse and when I am feeling like I can’t be forgiven even knowing that my Father will always forgive me I sometimes need to hear the words…He speaks.

  • Psalm 86:5 For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee. (KJV)

My husband has learned first hand the struggles of being married to a women who grew up going through some pretty abusive situations as a child. I believe he might tell you it has been a daunting journey at times. I will tell you that God created him as the man for this job. His assignment…..? Me.

I sat here feeling sorry for myself. Until the Father to the fatherless reminded me that I am one of His. Only He knows when I will be able to join Him…so in the meantime….He gave me a husband and three children. It has been an interesting journey…..this family of mine.

I learned how to be a child and what it was like to play as a child….How? By playing with my own children. I learned what it must have felt like to break a dish and be forgiven and not broken in return….How? By forgiving mine when they have broken something. I have raised my voice…I won’t lie to you….But I was beginning to see that all I should have learned….I was taught by none other than the Father to the fatherless…..God in his holy habitation. I just didn’t always know He was there…..I wasn’t quiet enough to listen.

Things have been very noisy. I think today’s pity and crying were to get me to be quiet enough to hear my Father talking to me. Sometime He needs to separate us from everyone so that we will turn to Him directly.

“Wait on the Lord……..he shall strengthen thine heart…..”

Just make sure you are quiet enough to hear Him….

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May 13, 2008 - Posted by | Abuse, Anger, Children, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Grief, Growing up, Heartbreak, Just Life, Loneliness, Obstacles, Relationships, Thankfull, Victory | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 Comments »

  1. Ginger, that is beautiful.
    We all need to remember to be quiet and listen to Him. Our pastor has been doing a series on Sunday evenings on the 7 Deadly Sins and 2 Sundays he talked about the sin of apathy which is sloth. I got a whole new perspective on myself. I’ve never seen or thought of myself as being apathetic or slothful but in the spiritual sense I have learned that I am because I get so busy with what I think I need to be doing that I don’t listen to Him.

    Thank you for another reminder.

    (((((Ginger)))))

    Thanks Elaine….I would be very interested in hearing those sermons. Yes…I do believe that sometimes God has to bring us to a quiet place so that we can hear him……

    Comment by Elaine | May 13, 2008 | Reply

  2. I trust that each parent who reads this blog that has been left remembers that what you do with your children makes all the difference in the world. Not just for now but how they feel even as an adult. My life runs somewhat parallel as Ginger’s life, but I did not have the extent of abuse she had as a child and our family did stay together.

    If I had the ability, I would have opened my home years ago to Foster Care or at least go thru one of the churches that help sponsor foster care. There is a church in Richmond, VA that offers training to those who want to help the special needs – but mostly those who have been abused.

    Some things we as parents say can remain with their children for years. A comment that we thought nothing of. Negative, hateful, hasty comments breed negative emotions. Finding fault with a person’s abilities – such as you are so dumb, that was so stupid, when are you ever going to learn, you…. etc.

    Children are a gift of God and each one has a different ability and personality. Ginger, God has given you now in your life support from many friends. I believe this is because you lacked it when you were growing up. You are a light to many and I know from your blogs and conversations that we have that you are blessed with numerous women to whom you belong in their lives.

    You are our Sunshine.

    Mama Bear

    You and Ray have always been an example to me of parents who have shown unconditional love.

    Comment by Woundedlily | May 13, 2008 | Reply

  3. This is beautiful, Ginger. I’m sorry for all the pain that you have had to bear. But I am so thankful that you are turning that pain around and allowing God to use it for good; in your family and for the others. You have an amazing testimony and you have allowed yourself to be open to the Healing and Use of the Lord.

    I love you, Dear Friend. And I am glad to have the chance to know you!

    I am so glad that we had the chance to meet. You and your family have blessed my life also as have all of DY friends. God is always able to take our pain and hurt and turn it around for His glory and honor. That is what our lives should be an example of His power. It’s not me but the verse on daily dying to self can be a real test sometimes.

    Comment by MissPlacedAlaskan | May 13, 2008 | Reply

  4. Ginger, for me you are the woman from Titus2. The one I look up to. The older woman with bigger shoes. I have learnt so much from you, your life, your past, your struggles. My background is complicated and full of horrible things also, though I do believe I was luckier than you.

    I am always in awe of your generosity, not just of yourself as a friend, but your generosity with love, hope, kindness and spirit.

    And I understand that doubt. The sense of not belonging. I battle with it daily. So I pop in here. And somehow you make me feel hopeful.

    Really, I am just babbling. And wanted to let you know, that I am certain God placed you in my life, for those very timely kicks in the pants I so often need. (And someone across an entire ocean thinks of you and cares. And would hand you a kleenex if she could)

    You are so sweet. I miss seeing you around. I go to your blog periodically but you haven’t put anything new out there for awhile. You know….it really didn’t have anything to do with me….It was all God’s hand in my life…..He has brought me where I am today. Thank you……

    Comment by tessofthebellgrades | May 27, 2008 | Reply


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