I cried…..now to some that is not such a big ordeal, for me, it is enough to get marked on the calendar. Why? I trained myself to not cry. I had years of training and discipline. It was simply a matter of not allowing the person beating me to also have the satisfaction of knowing they made me cry. I did an excellent job of it if I might say so……I did such a good job that when I cry….everyone is alarmed.
It was something that was said to me today…..I may have read more into the comment or hesitation then was meant….I started to dwell on the conversation. I tried to remember each nuance, each pause and thought to myself that maybe the other person was just being kind.
I started to cry. It was in those few brief moments that I felt so alone. This is not the type of loneliness one feels just because there is no one present to talk with or in my case in the correct time zone that I felt comfortable calling and bawling on their shoulder through the phone. This was a soul deep aloneness. The type of aloneness that one feels in total abandonment.
When I was in Bible College, we had to give our testimony. I gave mine. I always try to give my testimony showing how awesome the power of God is and how He moves in our lives. There was a young lady there who came over to talk to me. Her name was Peggy. Peggy had tears in her eyes and gave me two verses. The third I read while reading in Psalm 27.
Psalm 27:10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. (KJV)
Psalm 68:5 A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation. (KJV)
Psalm 27:14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. (KJV)
I sat here remembering how lonely I was in college. I moved out of my foster home/legal guardian’s home and into the dormitory. I don’t think I have ever felt so lost and alone then I did that first year. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break in the dorm. I had no where to go. I was planning on spending the summer living in the dorm but an elderly lady in the church I was attending at the time invited me to stay at her house through the summer. Next year rolled around and I found myself facing “eviction” over the holidays. The previous year I was the only female staying in the women’s dorm. The dorm parents lived in an apartment that separated the mens and womens dormitory. They wouldn’t be there for the holidays so the school would not allow a young lady to stay by herself.
I still had a problem of having no where to go……I was working at the time at the local department store. One of my coworkers offered to rent me her attic for the times I needed a place to stay. I would just have to have somewhere to go the actual holiday. All of her children and grandchildren would be there and there wouldn’t be any room for me. She offered to let me stay….but it was with hesitation so I knew she was just being kind.
It suddenly struck me that maybe today’s offer had been made out of politeness. In my heart of hearts, the longing and need to have family is so strong that I didn’t want to see that the offer was maybe just one made of familiarity and an invite to come over knowing that you really would not show up.
So……..I cried. Then I cried some more. I cried to God. Those verses came back to me in a flash. I sat reading and glanced down to Psalm 27:14.
“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart…”
I struggle with a family that sooooo hates me because I married their son. When I got married I thought that God was going to give me the family I had always longed to have. I am still required to call my husband’s family “Mr and Mrs”.
I struggled with my family….growing up with the abuse that was ignored and brushed under the carpet. The desire to just belong, to know the love of a parent can be so overwhelming. This has been a struggle for me lately along with a few other emotional issues being tossed to and fro in my heart and head.
Tonight as I sat crying….I remembered that I have a father who is the Father of the fatherless….” All though I may be forsaken He will take me up.” He is “up” in His holy habitation.
The internal battle raging isn’t that I have a lack of family whether it be biological, adopted or a former foster family. The battle that rages is the battle of acceptance. It is growing up with a father who did not exemplify the relationship we have with our heavenly Father. I know this struggle well. It causes doubt. Lots of it. We doubt that a heavenly Father can love us when no earthly parent can….We constantly grapple with the thought of forgiveness when forgiveness was a tool used for blackmail and parceling out the love that should have come freely. Forgiveness always has a catch to it. How can we accept or believe that when we do wrong or err in our Christian walk that we can be forgiven. We certainly weren’t as children. We have difficulty trusting those who say they love us to continue to love us. We know the minute we “mess up” the love will be gone. It is what we have been conditioned to know…..like my refusal to cry. (Which I hate doing by the way…..) I found this verse and when I am feeling like I can’t be forgiven even knowing that my Father will always forgive me I sometimes need to hear the words…He speaks.
Psalm 86:5 For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee. (KJV)
My husband has learned first hand the struggles of being married to a women who grew up going through some pretty abusive situations as a child. I believe he might tell you it has been a daunting journey at times. I will tell you that God created him as the man for this job. His assignment…..? Me.
I sat here feeling sorry for myself. Until the Father to the fatherless reminded me that I am one of His. Only He knows when I will be able to join Him…so in the meantime….He gave me a husband and three children. It has been an interesting journey…..this family of mine.
I learned how to be a child and what it was like to play as a child….How? By playing with my own children. I learned what it must have felt like to break a dish and be forgiven and not broken in return….How? By forgiving mine when they have broken something. I have raised my voice…I won’t lie to you….But I was beginning to see that all I should have learned….I was taught by none other than the Father to the fatherless…..God in his holy habitation. I just didn’t always know He was there…..I wasn’t quiet enough to listen.
Things have been very noisy. I think today’s pity and crying were to get me to be quiet enough to hear my Father talking to me. Sometime He needs to separate us from everyone so that we will turn to Him directly.
“Wait on the Lord……..he shall strengthen thine heart…..”
Just make sure you are quiet enough to hear Him….
May 13, 2008 - Posted by gingerporter | Abuse, Anger, Children, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Grief, Growing up, Heartbreak, Just Life, Loneliness, Obstacles, Relationships, Thankfull, Victory | Abuse, accpetance, belonging, Children, crying, Family, father, fatherless, Forgiveness, God, Grief, Growing up, Heartbreak, hope, Husband, Loneliness, love, pity, realationships, sadness, tears
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